Itchy and Scratchy

(Not me... Either of these)

Ok, I've heard people say that God has created everything for a purpose.  Even the most annoying things have some purpose right?  I'm not sure I agree...  Fire ants, mosquitoes, Justin Bieber... These are SUPER annoying things that have no real purpose other than to annoy us so far as I can tell. The worst of them all, however, absolutely, positively, without a doubt has GOT to be POISON IVY!!!

Yup, I'm sure you guessed it... I am suffering from a nice case of P.I. As I suffer though, a couple things come to mind.  First, I believe we as men (especially those with significant others) store up pansy points that work thusly: Do something manly, earn a pansy point.  Suffer man-sized pain, earn a pansy point.  Arm gets cut off in an industrial lathe and you only allow a single tear to escape (because part of your arm got in your eye of course) earn two pansy points.  Generally, here's what it means.  As men with women we have to be strong and tough in enduring real pain so that when we are forced to endure pansy pain (say the common cold or POISON IVY) we may whine and moan and predict our own demise to our hearts' content.  A single guy may do all sorts of stuff when sick or covered in POISON IVY, but a man who is with woman will gladly share about his impending doom... It's how we're made ladies, we'll fight a wild wolverine with our bear hands, but then plead death from venomous vegetation.

The other thing that I've realized is just how much I HATE POISON IVY!  I mean there is no more excruciating circumstance for one to be in than to be suffering with poison ivy.  Sure, torture, hunger, Justin Bieber on the radio, they're all bad, but poison ivy is a special case.  The really terrible thing about poison ivy is that it itches like nothing else I know of, and if you scratch it it really REALLY does feel better, but then it spreads and itches more.  So you scratch, it grows, itches some more, you scratch some more, it grows some more until you are a human poison ivy rash.  Vicious cycle, I know!  The only advice people can give (and probably the best) is don't scratch.  Don't scratch. What kind of cockamamie advice is that?!?! Ya know what also might help? Not breathing.  Hard to scratch when you're unconscious right?  So you suffer, constantly wanting to scratch, scratch, scratch, but know that if you do you'll become Poison Ivy blister boy.  Not a pleasant thought.  Oh and the home remedies are WONDERFUL... Take a bath in baking soda, cover yourself in oatmeal, soak in some vinegar until you're a pickle, where does it end and who came up with all this? No me gusta Poison Ivy! Me gusta Kim y me gusta perritos, pero no me gusta poison ivy!!!!  So, if you are keeping score I have spouted my hatred of P.I. in two, count it, two languages!!!

Thank you, good night...